just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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