He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Randomize
