You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
