Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
It's Friday. Sex?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
