saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
