i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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