I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize