If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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