I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Randomize