If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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