My Higher Power is John Stamos
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
