just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
