I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
