i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
