if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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