guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
this beer tastes like vomit already
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
