three words: i give head
three words: not that well
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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