i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
