I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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