Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm like, not good at living.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
