Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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