The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just googled if crying burns calories
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
