just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
