Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
