Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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