no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
