I got chris browned last night
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
