I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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