Plan B is the new Plan A
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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