hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
