I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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