I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
