omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
