Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
