Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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