ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Your penis caused this!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
