i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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