remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
All I want is dick and wine.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
