every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
