Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Randomize
