he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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