he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
