FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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