A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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