Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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