Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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