can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize