We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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