exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
