I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
