I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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