I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
