Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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