Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
