My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
