I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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