I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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