please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
