had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
