the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
