I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
