he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize