It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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