I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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