U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
