I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
