your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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