I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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