are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
