Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
