oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
