rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
