either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
