remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
