What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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