Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
