How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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