Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
